Is "ish" really a word?

I've always been a fan of using "ish" on the end of some words. I think that it actually sounds kinda cool, yet edgy and hip. You know, it means that you have a guestimate on something, like time for instance. For example, (yes, I've decided to do a real life example for those of you who are not familiar with the term I am referring to) if I was going to meet you somewhere and you had called to ask me how long until i got there, i could reply "Oh, in about twenty-ish (also could be written 20-ish)". That would imply that i would be there in about 20 minutes. It might be a few more, it might be a few less. It can also be a good term that can denote location. For example, if you asked me where i parked the car in the parking lot, i could point in a direction and say "Over there-ish". You are now fully aware of the general location of the car, but you are not going to look in one specific location and get frustrated when you don't find it there. As you can see, I've italicized several of the words that i used to describe "ish". I hope that helps you get a feel for the true meaning of the term. It really is the perfect word for those who are not exact in life.

But like most words, i do believe that the phrase "ish" has it's place in society. It can be good for casual conversation, but i think that use of the word can get a little out of hand. Let's say that a guy is walking through the park with his girlfriend and he drops down on one knee, pulls out a ring and asks her "Will you marry me?" She's overcome with emotion, grabs her boyfriend, hugs him tight and replies "Yes...ish" What? How's that for a non-commital yes? Or how about you and your buddy are rock climbing. You're working your way up the cliff when all of the sudden you slip and your rope breaks. There you hang precariously on the edge of certain death. You yell out "HELP!" and your buddy reaches down and grabs your hand and says "Don't worry, I gotchya-ish". What? Don't worry because you "kinda" got me? What part of that statement is supposed to bring you comfort?

Or let's try one more example. You've basically had the worst day of your life; someone broke into your car, stole your ipod, told you that your dog died, and you got dumped by your special someone. Just as you get home, you walk in the front door and flip the lights on and then a couple of your friends jump out and yell "April Fools!...ish" Right when you hear the "April Fools!" you start to think that everything that had happened to you was a joke and that none of it was real. You start to think that you'll get everything back and things will go back to normal...but oh, that dreaded "ish". Now you're trying to figure out what part of what they said was a joke and what was real. You have anger, frustration and confusion all swirling inside your head while your friends stand around you and laugh. All of this = a bad time to use "ish".

So i ask each and every one of you, as you find new words to use and ways to use old words in new creative ways, or ways to add on parts to words to make new words, or ways to take two words and mash them together to make one superword, or ways to apply foreign languages to in your own speech, or whatever ways you like to use words, please be sensitive with their use. Am i making myself clear-ish?

So What's So Bad About Used-Car Salesmen?

Maybe it's just me, but it seems that used car salesmen are looked upon as some of the lowest forms of humanity in existence. I don't think that it's too far off to put them right below lawyers on the Least Liked List (from now on the Least Liked List will be referred to the 3L). Although that may be a little harsh, the common perception is that they are the ones who are always dealing crappy cars for premium prices. I'm sure that definitiely does happen, but i would like to bring an up an example of when the buyer stuck it to the seller.

In the movie Transformers, Sam goes with his dad to buy his first car. After a little bit of shopping, they decide to get an old beat-up yellow camaro. They pay a hefty price for a car in rough shape, but the car turned out to be much more than they could ever anticipate. Not only did that car have the ability to turn into a new Camaro (a value increase of about $35,000), it had the ability to transform into a giant war robot. Now, i'm not really up to date on the value of a Transformer, but let's just say $100 million. So who do you think got the short end of the stick on this one? Yep, chalk one up for the buyer!

But thinking about how successful car salesmen already are, just think about how successful they could be if they had a special power. What if there was one that could use Jedi mind tricks on a buyer? Right when he's trying to sell you a car that you are not even interested in or need, he does the little hand motion and says "This is the car you're looking for" and then you reply "This is the car i'm looking for" and then you buy the dang thing. Just be grateful that your used car salesman isn't a Jedi.

Although used-car salesmen rank relatively high on the 3L, i still think it could be much worse. i mean, some things aren't always as they seem. Maybe they're just grossly misunderstood. But anyhow, just remember that the next time that you buy a used car, you could be buying a Transformer. I don't know the odds of that happening, but i'll take my chances and buy a used car!

A Really Good Idea

In my never ending quest to come up with successful business ventures, i came up with an idea that could revolutionize the food industry. It seems all the rage to take cartoons, comics and video games that were once popular and to now make them into modern movies. They've had great success with Spiderman, Batman, Transformers, just to name a few. So i figured why not ride that train a little further and use that same concept in the restaurant industry? I mean, that's the American thing to do; take an idea and drive it into the ground well after it has crashed. In doing so, i came up with a few restaurant concepts that i would now like to introduce to you.

Concept 1: Let's say that you're really craving some good Italian, something better than the Olive Garden or Spaghetti Factory. You're looking for something special, something out of the ordinary. Something...super. Then go to Super Mario's Italian Cafe and Eatery! Just imagine all the waitors and waitresses dressed as Mario, Luigi and Peach. Then they bring out a mushroom and give it to your kids and tell them they must eat it if they want to grow bigger. Good potential with that one. And look at the sample employee uniforms. Just think how well you could pick up plates off the table with a plunger...

Concept 2: You wake up Saturday morning exhausted after a long week of work. You want to eat like a king, but you really don't want to go to all the trouble of preparing a royal meal. So you decide to head on down to the only place you feel more comfortable at than home. You're going to eat at The Griddler, where home-style breakfast is served all day long. Of course, you'd have to start out ordering by saying something like "Griddle me this..." I know what you're thinking; Denny's and IHOP already do this and they serve other food too. Well, Denny's isn't a cool name, so i'm pretty confident The Griddler would come out on top. Plus, I could create a character for "The Griddler" and make him an actual person that stands on the sidewalk in a "Griddler" costume waving at the cars driving by. "The Griddler" would be somebody. Who's Denny? And what about IHOP? It sounds like something a rabbit would say. The first thing i think about when i hear someone say "I'm going to IHOP" is asking them if they're going to a jump roping class. No competition there either.

Concept 3: Now let's say that you're really craving some good pizza, but it's only 3 in the afternoon and dinner isn't until 6. You don't want to get the baked pizza now, it will be cold by the time the fam is ready to devour it. Cold pizza= poor devouring conditions. But if you have it delivered, you have to tip the home-boy who dropped it off. Not cool. So what is one to do in this situation? Stop by a store that you can buy a fresh made pizza and take it home and cook it when you like. That's right, i'm talking about Papa Smurfy's Take it n' Bake it. How great would it be to buy a pizza from a beloved childrens character in a large red hat. It's just natural. And how amazing would it be to be able to buy a pizza with a blue crust? It would have every kid begging for more. What better way to get those picky eaters to eat something nutritious than to serve them blue pizza? I think Papa Smurf says it all with his "ta da!" stance. That is the image of success.

Is it risky to let these ideas out for the masses to see before i have the proper documentation giving me rights to profit off of others creative original concepts? Yes. But living on the edge adds a spice to life that i just can't get enough of. That's what made Mario the legend he is today. And that's what's gonna make me rich!

This One Was Long Overdue

So after my grand start to blogging, i quickly realized that i keep up with my posts about as well as i write in my journal; basically not at all. But all is well, as you need not fret. I am back to give you further insight into the experience i call my life (okay, i was really going for a seemingly witty, profound statement here, and i think i nailed it). I like to think of my vacancy as somewhat of a sabbatical. I don't really have anything in particular that i sabbaticalized, but just the thought of it helps me get through the day.

So i was thinking the other day trying to come up with the next hit gameshow that i could really cash in on, and i came up with one that i think has some really good potential among the Star Wars crowd. It's called "Smarter Than a Padawan, Are You?" and it would be hosted by Yoda himself. Now i just need to figure out who to contact to iron out the details...

I also must regrettably inform all of my avid blog followers that my previous post, "An Ode To Billy Mays" seems to have been somewhat premature. It has been reported that he had cocaine in his system when he died. He apparently was not a heavy user, but it must be why the "Awesome Auger" commercial was so good. So with this news, i lost a measure of respect for the man who i thought had risen above it all, but in the end, has decended 6 feet below us.

An Ode to Billy Mays

I generally don't morn the death of celebrities or those who are relatively famous, but the death of Billy Mays hit me rather hard. Not so much in a literal way, but more along the lines of "Man, that sucks...who's gonna do all the great infomercials now?" You see, i had a lot of respect for Billy Mays. He took something that wasn't cool (starring in an infomercial) and made it cool (starring in an infomercial). And for that, you gotta give the man props. To me, he was somewhat of a pioneer and an inspiration. Don't tell me that you've never had the thought "I wonder if i would look as cool as Billy Mays if i sold Oxi-Clean..." That thought has entered the minds of even the best of us, and rightfully so. He was the first man to really make it in the infomercial world. He actually became somewhat of a celebrity by the eccentric and passionate ways he so lovingly sold his personally endorsed products. He made a job out of it, something not many have been able to do. The Sham Wow guy was doing pretty good, but he couldn't handle the pressure and we all know what happened to him*.

In all respect to Billy Mays, i would like to show my gratitude for all he has done for me by dedicating this haiku to him, which i wrote especially for this occasion:

My hero Bill Mays,

May Kaboom remove your stains,

Your voice is thunder.

I realize that this post may be a little late, seeing how he actually died a couple weeks ago, but i think it is only proper to give the deceased the time necessary to let their legends grow. I also struggled with the moral issue of making fun of a dead person. You see, in my neverending quest to create a decent stand-up comedy routine, i have recently been working on a bit centered around Billy Mays. But as you can see, the universe could not let it's best Oxi-Clean salesman have his name soiled by those trying to make a few people laugh, so it took him away from us all. He is now untouchable and will forever be remembered in the halls of infomercial lore. Rest peacefully Billy Mays. You've given us all you have to give, and we gratefully accept.

* If you don't know what happened to Vince Shlomi, check out this link and you'll see he couldn't handle the success of being a pitchman. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/27/vince-shlomi-shamwow-pitc_n_180210.html)

An Opening Disclaimer

Well, first of all i would like to welcome myself to the world of blogging. I do not consider myself a "blogger" nor am i well versed in "blogging". This is somewhat of an experiment for me, to see if i can carve out a little spot in the blogisphere and set up camp and just see how it all goes. I decided to try this new world technology out after being encouraged by a number of people to share some of my unique thoughts with the world. I have no doubt that this blog will become a worldwide sensation. Somewhat of a viral blog, if you will. (if you won't, i really don't know how to respond to that) I also view this as an opportunity to fulfill what i view as one of my callings in life, which is to entertain the world, or at least a few people. I can only assume that the majority of my postings will be of a comedic nature, since those are the most readily available to plagurize. Anyways, i hope that i can figure out how to do what i'm supposed to do with this whole thing. I still don't have facebook completely figured out yet, so it could be a couple years until i actually unleash the true potential of this blog. We'll just have to see if it's still around then...